I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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