Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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