Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
