i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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