so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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