i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
