he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
