there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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