it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Randomize