dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
