If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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