I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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