That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
