im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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