hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
