i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
