I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
