If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
