Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
