My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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