I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize