Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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