he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She's the barista slut.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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