I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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