You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize