What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
