I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
