I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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