Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Drunk is a universal language darling
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
