I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
That's when you crack a 10am beer
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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