did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
