Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
