Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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