and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
