I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
