I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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