dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
