so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
