Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Randomize
