I'm eating all of the evidence.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
