Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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