Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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Sorry RiotGirl54197401 hasn't picked any favorites yet.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.

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(540): View more from Virginia

i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.

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(510): View more from California

i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.

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(217): View more from Illinois

it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....

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(518): View more from New York

Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.

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(207): View more from Maine

Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."

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(630): View more from Illinois

The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.

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