I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You can't special order awesome
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
