I'm lost and stupid without you.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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