happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
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