Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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