I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
