I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
