Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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