I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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