Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
