Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
