If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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